That’s me, Woffie, the dog, a small animal of mixed breed with enough papillon for me to have great-looking ears, and enough Jack Russell for me to catch a rat. Parts of me shine golden in the sun. I choose to think I have a whole lot of papillon in me, mainly because I like to imagine myself as a bit of a ‘continental toy spaniel’. What a lovely mouthful. Daphne is the daughter of the late caretaker of St Blaise’s little old church, bluestone, on the edge of the Melbourne CBD. We have each other, Daph and me. That’s all we have, but it’s enough. For us. I should make it clear, right here and now, that we are very happy. In case you were wondering. Or perhaps I should say ‘reasonably happy’. The need for this modification will possibly become clear when I tell you that we spend the day on the pavement outside the Dolce&Gabbana shoppe on Collins Street. Daph sleeps all day while I man the wooden box she uses as a begging bowl. Well, for the time being we’re here, but in our profession these things never last. ‘C’est la vie,’ says the continental toy spaniel. If you come looking for us, we might not be there, might have moved on to pastures new.

You could be wondering how the caretaker’s daughter became the woman on the lolly-pink mattress on the pavement outside D&G. Well, you would be forgiven for going back to that old old song about who takes care of the caretaker’s daughter when the caretaker’s busy taking care—is the title copyright, or can I just come out and say it like that? It seems to me to be so very relevant, particularly since I have the perfect response to the question of who takes care. Obviously I do. Woffie takes care of Daph, and Daph takes care of Woffie. Like I said, we have each other. And, well, the caretaker has shuffled off this mortal coil, and since he left no funds behind to speak of, and since it wasn’t possible for Daphne to continue to live in the three rooms behind St Blaise’s, we set sail together, and after a few years of trying to make a go of things in the city, we gave in to temptation and settled here, on the pavement outside Dolce&Gabbana.