I’m thinking of running at the federal election next year. Not for the Senate because that’s rubbish, but the House of Reps. It’d be a difficult campaign because I’d have to come clean and admit to the electorate that I wasn’t interested in representing anyone or voting on anything. Nor would I be involved with formulating policy or ‘keeping the bastards honest’ or whatever politicians these days campaign on. My ambition is purely and simply to become Speaker.
Having watched former backbencher Andrew Wallace sitting in the chair for the last two weeks, I am convinced that I could do a much much better job. Even without swotting up on the rules and regulations or indeed—as must have been the case with Andrew—having erased any memory of watching Tony Smith doing the job for the last five years. I don’t want to be unkind to the Member for Fisher, but he performed the duties of Speaker about as well as Quasimodo when they made him King of Fools. In fact, I suspect Andrew, like Victor Hugo’s tragic hero, was also chosen for the job out of cruelty.
As I say, stumping for the Speaker’s chair would be a hard sell on the hustings because the voters aren’t getting any pork. Better perhaps that I join the public service and agitate for the Crown to extend the power of Serjeant-at-Arms so as to absorb the role of Speaker. It makes sense. After all, the Serjeant-at-Arms is supposed to help the Speaker run the House. And what better way to help than by taking over when the Speaker is malfunctioning as badly as Andrew Wallace. Plus, the Serjeant-at-Arms is also Custodian of the Mace, which I think would really help keep order. Not just as a threat to MPs who are misbehaving, but as an actual weapon when they start trotting out those tiresome Dorothy Dixers. I can see myself now, leaping over the dispatch boxes in my wig and robes to smite those making a mockery of the democratic process. Also, when there’s a call for a Division, I wouldn’t mess about wasting time. I’d ring the bells, get everyone in, lock the doors and then with everyone trapped, I’d fill the chamber with bees. Yesiree, I betcha that’d eliminate a whole lot of unnecessary debate.
Another thing I’d knock on the head apart from the heads I’d actually be knocking with my mace, would be unparliamentary language. As Serjeant-at-Arms, I’m in charge of broadcasting and televising proceedings to the nation and I would simply bleep Albo if he tried calling Dutton a boofhead. Or the PM if he started doing that unhinged yelling he does. Barnaby I would have on perpetual bleep from the moment he rose to answer a question until he left at the end of the day. I’d also do my best to ensure that members actually answered the questions they were being asked by coughing the word ‘Bullshit!’ into my sleeve when they started veering off topic.
Finally my friends, I promise to do away with the press gallery. Journalists are nothing but a bunch of trouble-makers and frankly, the less we know about what goes on in Canberra, the more it’ll match the level of transparency offered by the present government.
I know these views aren’t popular, but I have never courted popularity.
Written, spoken and authorised by Shaun Micallef.
