[INT. we open on the boardroom. There is an easel with a curtain draped over it. Roger, Pete, Peggy, and Stan are sitting around making small talk with the clients]
CLIENT #1
chuck us a tinny would ya Rog?
ROGER
look, I was in the Navy, and we spoke a lot of slang, but if it wasn’t for the fact that the only drinks in this room are these ‘VBs,’ I’d have no idea what you’re talking about.
[throws client VB. Client opens it with a crack]
CLIENT #2
where on earth is this wanker?
[DON enters the room excitedly]
DON
Gentlemen [smiles at clients] I was up all night ‘knocking back’ your ‘tinnies’ and ripping your ‘bucket bongs’ wracking my brain for an idea for your campaign. When suddenly, like a bolt out of the blue, as you’d say, it came to me.
CLIENT #1
Yeah? We reckon we’re just gonna project gambling ads onto the Opera House. Ya know, that’s what the donors want, and the punters love the trots [both laugh]
DON
Sure, you could do that [cracks a tinnie] if you want this already comic aria to become a tragic one [sips]
CLIENT #1
Ay?
DON
I was driving here and a song came on the radio. A song by an Australian band, The Triffids. You know the song ‘Wide Open Road’?
CLIENT #1
absolute banger
DON
It is. It’s a banger that bangs. But it made me wonder: what do we think of when we think of Australia?
CLIENT #2
uh…Countdown?
DON
No. We think of space.
[Don removes the curtain to reveal a picture of the Outback]
Miles and miles of empty space. To those of us who aren’t from Down Under Australia seems, well…
[removes the picture of the outback. The next picture is of untouched coastline]
…empty.
CLIENT #1
Oi! Fuck off, we’re full if anything! We don’t want anyone else bloody comin’ here and bludgin’!
DON
No. Not empty of people…
[DON reveals the next board which is a promo for the ABC’s ‘Tomorrow Tonight’]
…but of ideas.
CLIENT #2
what…what are you saying?
DON
Terra Nullius. That’s what they called it, when they invaded. They believed nothing was there because to there eyes, nothing was.
CLIENT #1
now, hold on!
DON
Gentlemen. Why would you project gambling ads on the Sydney Opera House, the very symbol of Australian arts and culture?
CLIENT #2
uh…for a quid?
DON
No. Because, in your eyes, it’s empty.
CLIENT #2
uh not when Dame Edna is doing one of her comeback shows it’s not
DON
You see Australia’s cultural landscape as wasted and barren space. Void of ideas and ingenuity. Empty. Now, as The Triffids have showed me, you’re wrong. I think Australia has a rich and vibrant culture that is brimming with ideas and ingenuity. Ideas squashed and hidden by bad government and big business.
CLIENT #1
[to Roger]
can you shut this prick up?
ROGER
[shrugging]
How do you say it? ‘Naaaahh’.
DON
So I thought, where is the true empty space in Australia? It’s not the bush, it’s not the small towns, it’s not the arts, heck, it isn’t even Perth. So where is it?
[Don removes another board to reveal a picture of parliament house]
…Terra Nullius.
CLIENT #1
get absolutely fukd!
DON
[removes one more board to reveal a picture of Scott Morrison with a tagline written on it]
Australia…
[he points to the tag]
Come on in, nobody’s home.
CLIENT #1
[shoots VB out nose]
oi, that’s me!
CLIENT #2
hmmm…
[cracks another tin]
we’ll have to run it past Rupert.
