As January 26 looms, the culture wars are getting louder. The National Settler-Colonisation Day Council (NSCDC)* strongly urges all Australians to resist caving in, no matter what the other side says. There is only one side to stand in the culture wars, and it rhymes with ‘right’.
In collaboration with the government, we will bravely protect all that is good about Australian nationalism and instil a sense of pride in citizens. So, on National Settler-Colonisation Day, all Australians attending mandatory citizenship events must comply with the new dress code.
We will also conduct random backyard inspections to monitor what people have on their BBQs and ensure the following Affirmation Statement is read out before any meat products are consumed:
As an Australian citizen,
*I affirm my loyalty to Australia and its people,
whose democratic beliefs I share,
whose rights and liberties I respect,
and whose laws I uphold and obey.
*Non-Australian citizens can join in at this line.
NSCDC recommends that this Affirmation is also read out at different events during the year, including NAIDOC Week (that will show them who’s boss).
The function of the NSCDC is more than making quaint declarations or supporting you on the frontline of the culture wars. We also have an educative role. It is surprising how many Australians are unfamiliar with the term ‘settler-colonialism’, let alone understand how they can contribute.
Commencing with invasion, settler-colonialism is a type of colonisation that just keeps giving. We all play our part, from first settlers to the newly arrived. And because settler-colonialism is inclusive, even the Indigenous folk get a role. Settler-colonialism ‘…functions through the replacement of Indigenous populations with an invasive settler society that, over time, develops a distinctive identity and sovereignty.’ Now that’s something to be proud of. Go Aussie oi oi oi.
While the establishment of a [CW: racist language >] shared identity and assertion of sovereignty on stolen land is now well advanced, we can’t be complacent. At any time, the left-leaning latte-sipping rabble might remember the dispossession and trauma Aboriginal people have endured since 1788.
We urge all Australians to commemorate Settler-Colonialisation Day this January 26, as a patriotic celebration that goes way back to 1994. We need to stand firm and protect this 25-year old tradition.
A few of our Indigenous brothers and sisters aren’t too keen on the racism that National Settler-Colonisation Day stirs up. Some are even opposed to it being celebrated on the date many acknowledge as the first wave of invasion across the continent. Frankly, we really don’t care what they think and neither should you.
Just imagine, if our forefathers hadn’t invaded this continent, Indigenous people would still be peacefully trading with their Muslim neighbours or something just as horrifying. This continent was covered in terra nullius before the British arrived. Literally terra nullius everywhere, as far as the eye could see.
If European settlers hadn’t carried out massacres, rapes, slavery, poisoning, and institutionalisation, Indigenous people would still be on their ancestral lands, speaking their languages, practising their cultures, applying science and sustainable farming practices to enable long, healthy lives. Indigenous people need to stop romanticising the past and acknowledge what colonisation has done for this country.
Like the wheel. Sure, Mesopotamians and Greeks were the first to use wheels, but it was white people who gave this country wheels and hoofed-animals to pull them. The wheel, white supremacist go-to invention in any argument, is the universal symbol of how good western civilisation is at taking credit for other civilisations’ inventions.
Australia is one of the youngest settler-coloniser states in the world. It’s hard to imagine, but 231 years ago this great continent had not a single white person living here (except for a few Dutch castaways). And now here we are, a successful nation of immigrants enjoying freedom, equity and rights for some.
If you hear anyone re-labelling National Settler-Colonisation Day—such as Invasion Day, Survival Day or Day of Mourning (which has been held on 26 January since 1938)—ignore them. They are just being derisive and difficult. Time and again, Australia has extended an invitation to Aboriginal people to assimilate, but they are just too non-compliant.
To shut down the tedious criticism of National Settler-Colonisation Day, we recommend a non-public holiday on January 25 to celebrate ‘Indigenous Australia’ (whatever that means), before we hit the beach on the 26th to commemorate invasion and genocide.
To be honest, the NSCDC is quickly running out of tolerance, so don’t force us to force you to celebrate National Settler-Colonisation Day. And you know we would if we could. Instead, we urge all Australians to get to your nearest discount store and stock up on paraphernalia.
Put gifts for the kiddies under the Patriotic Family Tree. Give your Australian-themed boardies a scrub. Change your social media ribbon to a Eureka flag to honour those brave white men that fought for their economic rights on stolen land. And cover up that Aboriginal flag tattoo with a white arm-band. Then pour some ice on the beer and light the barbie.
We caution you not to be tricked into standing in solidarity with Indigenous people. Show your pride as a proud settler-colonialist, and make your proud nation prouder this National Settler-Colonisation Day.
* This is a satirical piece. Australia is a settler-colonial state but the National Settler-Colonisation Day Council doesn’t exist—but you already knew that.
Karen Wyld is a freelance writer of Aboriginal, Irish and English ancestry. She suspects that if you shook her family tree at least one colonising scoundrel would fall out. In regard to the annual debate of That Day (aka Australia Day), she would like the day changed, not just the date. She’d much rather see Australia change but knows that will take longer.