Craig Kelly should be fired out of a cannon into space. Now wait a minute, hear me out…
When Scott Morrison personally intervened to ensure Craig’s pre-selection before the last election, I’m sure he felt he’d earned Craig’s undying loyalty. Man, did he back the wrong Ivermectin-infused horse there. That Craig is a complete and utter splonk there is no doubt. I’m sure Craig himself would be the first to admit it. And I’ve got nothing against splonks. We’re all like that from time to time about certain things. It’s what it is to be a Human at this moment in history when there is so much stuff to know. There are many subjects about which you might justly call me a splonk. Geometry, for example. Unlike Craig though, I will defer to the experts (hello Euclid!). I do not go to the Internet, open my Facebook feed and follow the prompts until I find something down a rabbit hole that vaguely fits in with what I feel is right.
Long ago, in Ancient Greece, the Oracle of Delphi (a lady whacked out on volcano fumes, it must be said) was asked who was the wisest person in the land. She said Socrates, because Socrates knew he didn’t know things; whereas non-wise people—like Craig—don’t know they don’t know things, but think that they do.
The world has always been a complicated place and in the old days no one really knew anything. I mean, they thought they knew what was going on, but most of the time they were wrong. Over time, smart people worked out how things worked and they wrote books about it. People read those books and some smacked their foreheads and said ‘Of course!’. Others didn’t understand what was being written about but believed the conclusions because they had faith in the author; and many didn’t read the book because they couldn’t read or didn’t have a library card and they preferred simpler explanations that they could get their head around or, even better, a confirmation of what they already thought they knew, even if that thing was completely wrong. Fortunately for this last lot, there has never been a shortage of clueless and arrogant nadirmaths happy to debunk someone vastly more qualified than they are.
Thinking you know something when you don’t isn’t a problem when you’re living in a cave by yourself. If you don’t believe fire is hot, you’re only going to burn your own hand. It’s when a bunch of like-minded splonks get together and start agreeing with each other about the coldness of flames that it risks being dangerous to others. And it’s when a big splonk starts rallying a whole lot of smaller splonks, that the really serious trouble begins. The big splonk casts him or herself in the role of the Misunderstood Hero. In Craig’s case, he’s like Jimmy Stewart in Mr Smith Goes To Washington—only instead of wanting federal land to build a national boy’s camp on, he wants to combat Covid-19 with horse de-wormer and some malaria medication that’s not been approved by the TGA. The Health Department are against him, so he goes directly to the people using whatever social media platforms he hasn’t been banned from. He cultivates his fellow splonks, some of whom are even more ill/mis/un-informed than he. He aligns himself with a splonk billionaire—whose business ideas include rebuilding The Titanic and golf courses with dinosaurs on them—and happily climbs in his pocket. He rails against medicine and politics and the justice system. He is the victim of censorship. He calls for a Bill of Rights. No longer Mr Smith, he is now Moses leading his caravan of knuckleheads out of the wilderness of a ‘bio-medical Fascist state’ to the Promised Land of ‘medical freedom’. He also texts thousands of people who want nothing to do with him. Eventually he’s taken to court by the AMA where he’ll no doubt carry on like William Wallace at the end of Braveheart.
But there is something pure and beautiful about Craig’s splonkery. Unspoiled by concessions to Reality and the nature of Truth, he chooses to believe what pleases him. Constrained by Reason and Logic and the Social Contract Rousseau writes of and most of us adhere to, he can never achieve his true potential as the visionary he sees himself to be. It is only as a Star Child, free of our Earthly bonds and communing with the Universe one-on-one as a force of Energy that he can realise his singular purpose in life, whatever the fuck that may be.
And that is why we need to load him into a cannon and blast him out into the furthest reaches of the galaxy as soon as possible.
At the very least, it’ll give the Australian Space Agency something to do.