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Tougher than a cockroach and smells like a library

June 13

There are some funny things going on in the book world lately – aerosols that recreate the smell of old libraries, toilet paper novels, pens that can use to write your memoirs and then jab into the aorta of your mortal enemy. Here’s a round-up of some great spoof sites (at least I hope that they’re spoofs), for your literary enjoyment.

Tuffwriter.com
According to the website, what every concerned writer or hard-hitting war-zone journalist needs are pens. And not just any pen – tactical defence pens. The homepage describes these accessories as essential for ‘marines hunting terrorists in burning deserts, SAR expeditions in bone chilling mountains, SWAT officers executing high risk warrant service, EMTs functioning in extreme conditions, or a civilian working in a non-permissive environment’. Apparently, the pens from Tuff-writer are made to withstand blistering cold and intense heat, and come with a ‘gas pressurized ball point cartridge’ with ‘waterproof ink’ that can even write upside-down. The products come with names unworthy of even Ian Fleming (‘stealth black’, ‘desert grey’ and ‘sniper brown’) but the funniest part by far is the FAQs page:

Q: What exactly is a tactical / defense pen?

A: It’s a pen designed to be as reliable and durable as the people using it. A writing implement as well as a last ditch defensive tool that you can bring virtually anywhere and have with you at all times. The Tuff-Writer tactical / defense pen is an essential piece of gear for anyone who needs tools that they can depend on.

Q: Is it a weapon?

A: A lemon yellow Crayola is a weapon in some people’s hands. The Tuff-Writer is a tactical / defense pen, how you use it is up to you. Who knows, one day it may save your life.

Smellofbooks.com
In sum, a ‘revolutionary e-book enhancer’ that recreates the smell of books. Made for spraying on things like Kindle or iPhones in order produce a more pleasurable reading experience. The aerosols come in five ‘designer aromas’, including Classics Musty (‘like having the collected works of Shakespeare in a can), Crunchy Bacon Scent (‘a low calorie, low cholesterol alternative for your breakfast reading enjoyment’) and Eau, You Have Cats (‘engineered from the concentrated aromas of 20,000 second-hand books’).

Toilet paper novel
OK, not strictly a spoof, but certainly made all the more funnier by being genuine. Koji Suzuki (author of Japanese horror story Ring, which was later made into a film) is having his latest novel published as a roll of toilet paper. The aptly titled Drop is about an evil spirit that inhabits a toilet bowl and plays on old Japanese superstitions about ghosts haunting the smallest, darkest rooms of a house. The text is printed in blue on 86cm of toilet paper, with occasional inky splatters which are meant to evoke blood. You can apparently buy it from selected stores for around Y210.

JA

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