Stationery 3 - The Revenge

Guest Post by Alien Onion January 29

So, we have had the Top FIVE (six) FOR THE WIN stationery items and the Top THREE (four) FAIL stationery items.

What's next? As Jed Bartlet would say. And in the spirit of Let Bartlet Be Bartlet, we say: Let Stationery Be Better.

And with that we give you the Onion list of:

Oh-I-Wish-It-Existed stationery items:

• Self-organising notepad that records all those helpful tips jotted down and never to be found again.

• An auto-complete proof-checker and print-order generator (once-activated it checks all corrections efficiently, identifies any unseen errors and corrects them, and packages up the final PERFECT proofs - with trim marks - in a bundle with a letter to the printer and a completed print order).

• Right-sized, right-strength rubber bands.

• A filing robot that takes any document or photocopy and puts it neatly away in an easy-to-find file.

• A device that automatically sorts and tidies shelves, boxes, files, my brain...

• A mini desk-sized guillotine (with Buffy on it, and it's scratch 'n' sniff and smells like purple lollies, and beeps at 2.30 every afternoon like an editorial alarm. And also gives me unsolicited compliments.)

• The absolutely perfect never-fail pocket-sized pencil sharpener.

• Household sponges with labels, eg floor sponge, toilet sponge, sink sponge.[1]

• A nice green plant.*[2]

1. No, we don't know how these items qualify as stationery either. As we have said throughout this stationery-fest, disobedient Onions. Nor can we fathom how one Onion has failed to realise that a nice green plant is not a pipe dream - nice green plants do actually exist in the world and could be easily, you know, acquired.

2. By-the-by, if you have trouble telling your stationery from your stationary, here are a few mnemonics you might find useful . (1) The friendly person who sells you pens and post-its is a 'stationer', clearly not a 'stationar'. Problem solved. Or (2) remember that the 'e' in stationery is for 'envelope'. Problem solved. Or (3) paper ends in 'er', so does stationery. Problem solved. Onions - we are here to help.

Cross-posted from Alien Onion

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