It would have to be Francis Crawford of Lymond (Dorothy Dunnett's Lymond Chronicles). Preferably not in character as Thady Boy Ballagh, but as his fine blond self with the cornflower blue eyes, serenading me with his lute, composing a witty song celebrating my beautiful brown eyes and no doubt whipping out a gourmet picnic complete with ball gowns and masquerade masks with which we could gambol about all day. Oh and did I mention the vintage French champagne. Naturellement!

Patrick Bateman from American Psycho. We'd complain about the sand in our Armani suits, compare business cards, listen to Phil Collins in our Ray Bans and scope the beach for blondes. But not dirty blondes. Blondes preferably named Kristy. Then we'd have an existential meltdown about whether the day had happened at all. After this we'd try to get a table at Dorsia, fail miserably, and end up at Tex Arcana, pondering the fact that the day had probably meant nothing.

Philosopher and scientist de Selby, most famously featured in Flann O'Brien's The Third Policeman. He invented, amongst other things, a telescope powerful enough to look down the endless tunnel created by putting two mirrors face to face. He reckoned it enabled you to look far enough to see yourself in your youth.

The Magic Pudding. Not only could you whistle and turn him from steak and kidney into jam but later he would keep you amused throwing bits of bark at passers-by and making rude faces from his Pudding Paddock.

I'd take a metal detector and spend the day with Frodo looking for precious metals: coins, hairpins, lucky charms, syringes, maybe even some pull-tab rings.

I could spend an afternoon with James Lee Bourke's Dave Roubicheaux, watching the sun go down over the Bayou Teche, fishing for wide-mouth bass under a sky the colour of torn plums...

Right now, probably Nick Cave's Bunny Munro. But not so much 'with' him as nearby, watching the mayhem. Of course, I'd be as awestruck and unashamed of him as Bunny Junior. And it would be shabby old Brighton beach with its pebbles and pier, and it would be summer (which it isn't here).

I's like to hang out with Jack Meredith from 'My Brother Jack', nearly 50 years later still the most vivid and accurate portrayal of everything that is good and bad about the Australian male, still stands way above any portrayals of the Australian (white) male psyche ever committed to print. Why? Because Jack represents a bloke that in the light of crushing familial, imperial and economical dysfunction and intellectual and sexual paradigms, he's got that thing you folk try to define as 'soul' because he finds it effortless TO.NOT.BE.A.SNOB.

A day at the beach, hey? It's gotta be Meursault from L’Étranger.

Well yes, Chris, once you say it, it seems the only (tragic) choice.

Gustav von Aschenbach, from Death in Venice?

Jake from Hemingway's The Sun Also Rises.

Evie, yes, there was much talk of Jake in the office.

Odysseus, on account of his excellent safety record at the beach.

It was prophesised that the first Greek to set foot on the beach at Troy was a doomed man, so no one wanted to be the first to disembark.

Odysseus lead the way, but sneakily landed on his shield, so Protesilaus, the second hapless Greek off the boat was actually the first to set foot on shore. Protesilaus promptly proved that the prophecy was accurate.

I reckon Odysseus would also keep me safe from all those nasty whirlpools and sharp rocks and saucy sirens. But I don't think I'd go home with him...

This is an easy one!

Salo, The Tralfamadorian explorer from Kurt Vonnegut's Sirens of Titen. Aside from being a robot, and we all know how I feel about robots, he was responsible for the Universe in the first place. Talk about hard to beat!

Mostly, Tralfamadorian's just seem like good people is all. For one, Salo just seemed really up-beat and polite. Even when Rumfoord and him had a fight. Thats a good quality in anyone. I like up-beat folks.

Stonehenge, the Great Wall of China, and the Kremlin, those are messages in Tralfamadorian geometrical language. So they must have a very unique way of articulating things? Imagine what they could do with beach sand.

Too late for the comp, but hanging out with Jesus, from that 'Bible' book would be fun.