Open letters: a tale of love, found and replaced
Guest post by Alien Onion
January 27
Find and Replace, mi amore,
I love you, I love you, I love you almighty, I wish your pyjamas were next to my nightie.*
I love it when you strip the double spaces and the strange multiple tabs from my sentences and paragraphs.
It makes me weak at the knees when you take a word I don’t want and turn in into something else entirely. Something better and stronger and bolder.
It’s magical between us.
I hope you won’t think me too forward if I say I want to REPLACE ALL.
Love unto infinity,
Your editor xxx
Find and Replace,
YOU ARE DROPPED. You are unfollowed and unfriended.
You have behaved ABOMINABLY.
You ought to have known that those words you substituted were not what I wanted. You have made a mess of everything.
Your wilful misunderstanding of my wishes has hurt me deeply.
I think it’s best that we have no further contact.
Editor
Dear Find and Replace,
I am now willing to concede that I played some part in the recent … unpleasantness that occurred between us.
I can see that some things I said were a little ambiguous. I ought to have been clearer.
I would like to resume our friendship – but I hope you understand when I say it has to be on a strictly professional basis. We can’t let ourselves get carried away.
Kind regards,
Editor
*Now don’t be mistaken, now don’t be misled. I mean on the clothes line and not in the bed.
(Cross-posted from Alien Onion)
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Comments
27 Jan 11 at 14:36
With the great power of ‘replace all’ comes the great responsibility of making sure you haven’t accidentally destroyed half of a manuscript. nods sagely
...27 Jan 11 at 15:32
Reminds me of ‘Gecko in the Machine’ by Inga Clendinnen, a brilliant and playful prose Ode to her Word Processor
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